Drink My Soul {Kai}

[Kaz Victoria McCoy]

OUTFIT

The smile that appeared on her face as she got to the club, couldn't have been described as anything but wicked. It was a crooked smile, that came from being in a room filled with her people, filled with people like her. People who understood what she wanted when she came to the club. That she wanted to dance, to fight, to feel, she wanted to be alive. It'd been a week since the night with Kai, and while she hadn't seen him, she was enjoying out of sight out of mind for the time to try and think about it. A week later though, and all she wanted was to party and drink, to try and get her seconds out of her mind.

She walked onto the floor confident as she'd ever been. Standing there for a moment looking over the crowd, a wild mesh of bodies, moving and reacting the music that the dj controlled them with. They were controlled with the beat, the music, and she wouldn't mind some of that. Thoughts of someone touching her, in the way some of these men touched their women, and girls, it made her frown, and she opted for a drink before dancing.

Her heels clicked together, and while she wasn't in Kansa and Toto was no where to be seen. She was where she wanted to be, sighing she waved at the waiter until he came to see her, "A shot of whiskey please," Kaz didn't drink, but this was an occasion, and it'd been a long time since she'd been at a club she needed to loosen up. Her shot was set infront of her, and thoughts came bck to Kai, she held the glass in her hands not moving to drink the liquid. Was her mood shot so quickly?

[Kai Richard Walker]

OUTFIT

Kai sat on his couch, a cigarette drooping between his fingers. His eyes were blank and staring. It had been a week since the incident at Kaz’s place and he hadn’t left the house since then. He hasn’t answered his phone or the door when someone came knocking. He missed Kaz and the guilt in his chest was starting to become unbearable. He needed to talk to her, or if he couldn’t talk to her just see her. Just to make sure she was alright. He had completely cut himself off from the outside world, from his friends and his gang. If he could even call himself part of the gang anymore. Had Kaz thrown him out? These are the things he needed to find out. He hated himself for what he had done to her. He needed to make it right, but how?

Finally blinking a couple of times he looked down at the smoke in his fingers and brought it up to his lips and drew back on the last bit of it and put it out in the ash tray on the table in front of him. He sighed as he exhaled and he looked around his living room. First of all he needed to get out of this house. He couldn’t be there anymore. He needed fresh air and something to occupy himself, he needed to get what had happened last week out of his mind. He had been thinking about it none stop since it happened. It replayed over and over again in his head. He needed a distraction. Then there was a knock at the door. Looking over to the door he sighed as she heaved himself off the couch and walked over to it and opened it. It was chuck

“Hey man, heard what happened” he said and Kai turned and walked away leaving the door open so that Chuck could come in if he wanted to. He went and sat down on the couch and up his head in his hands. He felt as though he was going to cry. Did everyone know what had happened. Chuck came in and sat down next to him on the couch. “Everyone makes mistakes man” he said and gave Kai a slap on the back. Kai grumbled something and looked up again. “Have you ever done something that made you just want to rip your own heart out and stomp on it?” Kai asked looking out in front of him again his eyes going blank and staring. Chuck was quiet, thinking about the question. “No, not really” he said in return.

Kai didn’t say anything he just closed his eyes and a single tear spilled out over and ran down his cheek. “You need to get out of this house man, go out and be around people, it will make you feel better probably” he said giving him another slap on the back and he stood up. “I’ll catch you later, man” he said and walked out of the house. Kai thought about his words for a moment and decided that he was going to go out, out to the club, not to drink not to gamble but just to be around people again, maybe he’ll run into someone that knows what he did and maybe they can smack the crap out of him, see how he likes it. Getting up he went into his room and threw on some clothes and stepped into some boots and left his house.

The air was cool and it was nice against his face, it had felt like years since he had been outside and felt the breeze on his skin, it made him relax but didn’t make him feel any better. The streets were quiet at first but as he started to get close to town the more people seemed to be on the streets. He rounded the corner and could see the club, he could here the music pumping inside. Stella’s always went off it didn’t even matter if it was a weekday. He had decided to stick to tiger territory, just in case someone wanted to flog him one, he wouldn’t fight back he would just let them. He was thinking it might make him feel better on the inside, not so much on the outside, but all wounds healed didn’t they? Physical and emotional.

He walked through the doors, flashing the bouncer his tiger tat as he went through, all the people outside in the line complaining. It was hot and muggy in the club, but being around people was comforting. He saw a couple of familiar faces all of whom through him a couple of filthy looks. Well that answered his previous question of if everyone knew or not. He walked over to the bar and ordered a coke and no ice and he sipped it slowly, there was nothing wrong with drink soda but it just didn’t feel right being at the club, he usually had a light beer in his hand or something. Suddenly a familiar scent caught his nose, it was Kaz’s perfume. His eyes darted around the club, he spotted her as she made her way past everyone. What was the odds?

Kai went to follow her but he stopped himself, he couldn’t just rush over there and start talking to her. She would probably punch him in the nose or something. Swallowing the lump in his throat he seat down on one of the bar stools and watched everyone dance and laugh, occasionally his eyes flicked over to Kaz. She seemed to be alright physically but he couldn’t even imagine how she was feeling mentally. That damage he had on the inside was far worst then the damage done on the outside. He could tell that Kaz was trying to enjoy herself and get her mind of things. After a little bit of sitting there he felt as though he needed more nicotine. He took down the rest of his soda and quickly ordered another one.

He looked around at all the no smoking signs around the club and he frowned. He then looked around to see where the outside area was. Spotting it he got up off his stool and started to make his way through the crowd, the path he took brought him pretty close to Kaz. He glanced at her when he pasted and pushed open the glass door that lead out into the outside courtyard. There were a few smokers out there he found the table and sat down at it placing his soda on the table. He pulled out a smoke and sparked it up. He breathed the smoke in deeply and rubbed his forehead with the tips of his fingers, it was a Kai trademark for when he had a headache or was stressing about something. At the moment he was experiencing both at full force.

[Kaz Victoria McCoy]

One week, the thought rang threw her mind as she touched her head to the pillow of the couch she was laying on. Her eyes were closed, and it seemed in that moment there were only two things that exsisted to her. The thought, one week, and the ever growing pain in her chest. She'd thought it would get better, after a week, it wasn't better. Her eye had healed and there was only a light mark left which she'd been covering with make up when she went out. A week the thought came back, a week since she'd seen Kai, heard from him, heard of him. It made her heart twist into knots to think about that.

They'd been apart for long periods before of course, because of course they'd been a secret. Even when that happened though, she saw him, she heard about him from others, it was as if he'd fallen off the planet. He'd fallen off the planet and she felt like she'd fallen with him too. She was off in her own world this week, her heart hurt with every step she took, until she was always running trying to get away from the pain. She hadn't cried since the night he'd hurt her, but she'd had plenty of reason.

Suddenly the blanket on top of her was removed, as Melissa came into the room, she pulled the blanket off of Kaz, not without a groan coming from Kaz. She closed her eyes, and lifted her hands into the sky, she didn't want to see the harsh light, or her hands for that matter. Without Kai looking after her, she'd been more reckless than ever. Her hands had been destoried, nearly every knuckle was wrapped, and her hands were cut up all over from everything she'd done without thinking. It was becoming a safety hazard, but she didn't think anyone had noticed besides her, how bad they were getting. She didn't even notice until she was looking at her hands, she sighed, "Mell go away," she groaned frowning. The blanket wasn't given back to her though, Mell just responded with, "Eventually you are going to back to your place right?" Kaz stuck out her tounge to her. She'd been crashing on Mell's couch lately, she couldn't stand to be in her place, not alone. She made sure Duke and Riley were taken care of but she wasn't at her place anymore.

Mell grabbed her inner wrist, and pulled her into a sitting position, "Were going to Stella's get dressed." Kaz lifted an eyebrow, "Do I look like I want to go to Stella's?" she nearly growled the words. "I don't care what you want, this is my house and my rules. I don't want to go alone," Mell walked away and a few mintues later, Kaz's face was hit with some clothes. She sighed, there was no fighting with Mell, so she simply didn't fight it, she wasn't going to stay.

Next thing she knew she was at the bar. Sitting there with her drink, staring into it. One week, she thought bitterly. She couldn't believe it, one week since she'd seen Kai. She shook her head, sometimes, thinking wasn't the best, she grabbed the drink and downed it without thinking, before turning back to the crowd. It was hot as hell in the club, all the bodies made the heat only climb. She moved to the floor standing there for a moment, before her hips were grabbed and she was suddenly dancing with someone, she didn't bother to turn and see whose face it was, she knew it wasn't Kai's body, she knew Kai's body well enough to know it wasn't his. When she opened her eyes, she was looking outside to where all the smokers were. Thats when she saw him. There he was, her heart flinched, and her stomach did an olympic winning flip.

"Kai" his name left her lips. She tapped on who ever was touching her, and he let go, knowing better then to fuck with her if she said no. She stared at Kai, how did she feel about Kai? He'd brought back so many inscuritys that she'd been fighting for so long, so much fear when he'd struck her, but now when she looked at him. She knew what she was feeling or she thought she did when she walked to the Smokers deck, she motioned for everyone to clear the deck besides him, everyone followed her without a question almost silently. She looked at Kai, part of her wanted to cry at the sight of him, part of her just closed her eyes for a moment, she was still hurt, but missing him only hurt her too. "Hey there stranger," she looked at him, only a foot away from him, it wasn't close enough, it wasn't far enough.

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[Kai Richard Walker]

His head was killing him, he should have taking some pain killers before he left home. No that would be the easy way out, doping himself up on pain killers so he couldn’t feel pain anymore. No deserved to hurt he deserved to live with the pain and guilt of what he had done. He took another drag of his cigarette and looked around at all the people around. He looked at all their happy smiling faces hearing there laughter and a stabbing pain shot straight through his chest. They were happy because they didn’t have to live with the guilt of hurting someone they loved. He hated himself more then he hated his father, his father had let him mother die and he hated him for that. He hadn’t killed Kaz but he might as well have. He was dead to her now, she had said that herself. She never wanted to see him again talk to him again. Perhaps he should just give in his resignation now and leave he didn’t deserve to be a tiger anymore. Andrew would be happy with that, god how that guy pushed his buttons. She deserved to be with someone like that, he was nice to nice really. Kaz needed someone like that in her life, not an abusive jealous maniac like him.

He looked away from all the people around him and tried to block out their laughter and happy conversations. How he thought being around happy people would make him feel better was beyond him. Fucking Chuck what did he know? He had said himself he had never done anything to someone he loved that made him feel like shit, so how would he know being around people would make him feel better. He made a mental note to sock him one in the chops next time he saw him. He took some more of his smoke and drank some more of his coke and sighed. He needed to get out of this mood he was in. He was at a club for Christ sake. Who came to the club just to mope around? He took the last of his smoke down and dabbed it out on the table and flicked the butt away. He could of just used the ash tray in front of him but it wasn’t the way he rolled. He looked down at the dark liquid in his glass and smiled for a moment. It was non alcoholic, he was proud of himself for that, usually people drank them self stupid until there were passed out in a ditch somewhere when they were feeling the way he was, he went about it in the opposite way.

He had his back to everyone and he frowned for a moment as he couldn’t hear their voices anymore. He had really done the trick by blocking them out. It was nice not having to hear them anymore. But it wasn’t his mind blocking them out it was purely the fact that they weren’t there anymore. Someone had sent them on their way. Hopefully it was someone that wanted to beat the hell out of him and they didn’t want any witnesses. He drank the last bit of his soda and put the glass down on the table a little harder then was necessary and the glass crack up the side. He needed to prepare himself for the beating that he believed was coming. But it never came, only a familiar voice entered his ears and the voice made his heart stop in its track for a brief second then it started beating a million miles a minute. Was his mind playing trick on him? He had to turn around just to make sure he wasn’t hearing things. Turning around in his chair he looked over to where the voice had come from and it wasn’t a hallucination and his heart was in his throat. Kaz was standing there, it was just Kaz nobody else was there with her, no body guards nothing, just her.

He swallowed the lump in his throat and he got to his feet. His legs felt like jelly and his head wasn’t hurting anymore. “Hey Kaz” he said his voice a little croaky. He had noticed that she wasn’t standing heaps close, which he understood why would she want to get to close. All he wanted to do was run over and scoop her up into his arms and never let her go. But he didn’t he just stood where he was and took a deep breath in hoping to slow his rapid heart beat. He had to say something, but what do you say to the woman you loved after you struck her, after promising to her that you would never hurt her. He swallowed the lump in his throat, “Kaz I am so sorry” he said feeling more tears coming on. Over the last week he had cried more then he had in his entire life. He fumbled around in his pocket again for his smokes he needed another one, he knew the nicotine would slow down his heart, if he didn’t do something about it now he was scared he was going to black out, now that would be embarrassing and she would never let him live it down. He put it to his lips and lit it and took a deep breath back and his whole body relaxed as the chemicals did their job.

[Kaz Victoria McCoy]

He stood in front of her, looking down on her, but looking at her like an equal. He shook his head and dropped his cigarette squishing it under his boot, while messing with his leather jacket. She was nearly shaking, she kept it off her face, her fingers twitching instead while he looked over her. "Cassidy," he said her name and she swallowed, it'd always been Bit, or Brat with him not Cassidy, not since the night he'd found her. "You're not Cassidy anymore. Cassidy was a weak girl, she didn't know how to defend herself. You're not that person anymore. From this moment on, you're Kaz. You're strong, and fierce. You will fight until you die" She blinked her eyes confused at him. Torn between crying, and keeping her face straight with the kurt expression on her face. He touched her shoulders, "And you run the Tigers now," her eyes got wide, and she knew nothing would ever be the same again.

He stood in front of her, back turned at first then facing her. Just like the moment Kaz was born, she was torn, between who she should be. Between the feeings inside of her chest, the hurt the shock and anger that'd he'd hurt her. Yet at the same time, she longed to be in his arms, to be surrounding by him again, she didn't know what to do, which instinct to trust. So as before, Cassidy took a back seat, Kaz crossed her arms and she stared at him, with a devilish smirk on her face that could have stopped a fright train. She thought of all the things she'd said when he'd hurt her, she'd cast him dead, but here he was like Jesus risen, and in front of her. Kai was alive and well, it seemed in her mind then, that everything clicked, and she knew what she had too do.

I'm sorry. The words were wasted on her. She wasn't listening to him when he told her those words, or when anyone ever told her those words. They would never work on her, she was cold to them, immune to them. They were to common of words thrown around whenever someone had done something wrong, or didn't know what to say, or when someone pitied someone. She was not someone who needed pitying, not now not ever, she was strong. "Don't waste your breath Kai the words came out evened and heavy though she wanted to suck them back inside as she said them. She came closer, close enough to touch him, too kiss him. She looked at him, her eyes were cold, but she was warm, her body reacted to his, wanted to fall into his curves into the comfort of his form, she looked him in the eye as she spoke the next words. Grabbing his cigarette from him, "You are my Second. As my second, I have to be able to trust you," she wasn't talking like Kaz but like the leader she was. "You can remain my second, if you swear to sobrioty" she took a drag off of his cigarette.

Stepping away from him, she turned around and sat down on top of a table, crossing her legs, still holding his cigarette, god knew how many he'd been smoking these past few days, she could see it in his face. How stressed he was, Cassidy nearly broke, Kaz ignored it. She blinked her eyes, and exhaled the smoke, motioning for him to come forward closer to her, she smiled at him. He was her Kai, her Kai, her Kai, her mind rang out singing like it had the day they'd come together as a couple. She stroked his face and just looked at him for a solid moment, before leaning in and catching his lips with her eyes closed.

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[Kai Richard Walker]

Kai looked to the ground when she told him not to waste his breath. He was expecting that from her, so it didn’t hurt as much when he heard it. He didn’t have the right to expect anything else from her. It wasn’t like she was going to be all like, its okay that you hit me. There would have been something seriously wrong with the world if that was what she was to say to him. He didn’t want to cry anymore he was sick of crying but knowing that she didn’t come out here to forgive him made the unwanted tears spill out. It wasn’t a lot of tears just two single tear rolled down his cheeks, he wouldn’t allow anymore to fall. Saying merely that he was sorry would never be enough, sorry was a word a word that got thrown around a lot these days. He had to prove to her that he was truly sorry for what he had done. He had to mean it.

He looked up at her again when she started to talk again, her tone was strictly business, he knew this side of Kaz very well but he had never received such seriousness from her. He had always been stand net to her watching the lower ranks of the tigers hear her. He was on her right side while Andrew on her left. They usually were there to make the gang meeting now intimidating to their follows, he left no higher then the followers that called themselves tigers. She told him that he could still be her second and he felt a little lighter, that was all she said, she didn’t mention anything about him still being able to be her partner her lover and he expected that, he knew they were over the night she told him that he was dead to her. Why should it be any different now. He had acted like an abusive drunk that night, something she despised.

He was caught up in her words that he didn’t even noticed she had taken his cigarette, it was only when he went to take a drag and it not being in between his fingers did he look up and see it in hers. She told him that he had to swear to Sobriety… again. He had already done that once before, the day she came to him with the proposal to be her second, he had sworn to it then and never broke his promise to her until last week. He swallowed the lump again, he had been getting a few of those retched nervous lumps a lot lately. “I Swear” he said and looked at the ground again, out of respect for his leader. That’s all she was now his leader. He wasn’t her boyfriend anymore and he doubted he would even be her friend anymore, their relationship was only professional now, it was a leader and her second nothing more.

He looked up at her as she stepped away and walked around him to side upon the table top cross-legged. She was relaxing, not to much though but enough to dissolve the thick tension in the air. He stayed silent like a good follower did. She then motioned for him to come closer and he moved slowly to stand in front of her. He looked down into her eyes and she looked back, it was when she smiled at him his heart did a back flip, he returned it with a small smile of his own. It was then he wished he could read her mind, he wanted to know what she was thinking about. He needed to know how she really felt about him, was he still the one she loved or could she not bring herself to love a man that had struck her, even after knowing what had happened to her all those years ago. He hoped with all his heart that she still loved him. As he loved her.

He watched her as she lifted her hand to stroke his face, he could see her knuckles were bandaged and his hearted ached as she saw the blood stains on the bandages. She had been fighting twice as much since last week, perhaps even triple. But he knew Kaz that was the only way to keep her mind off things and he felt guilt that he was the reason for those unwanted thoughts. Despite the fact that her hands were cut up pretty back her skin was still soft to him on his face. He closed his eyes as she stroked his cheek, happy memories of them as kid, then of them prior to a week ago, and he couldn’t help but smile. He opened his eyes to look at her again and she lent up and pressed her lips to him. Instantly he kissed her back and all the pain disappeared. Out of habit his left hand came up to cup her face, his heart was beating fast again, but not out of nervousness this time but out of happiness. Even if they still never to be together again, at least he got one last kiss.

[Kaz Victoria McCoy]

Her heart twinged inside as she watched the tears come down his face. Only two of them, but it wasn't something that you needed a lot of to see the emotion. She could see it all over her face, and her mind could only think of the nights he'd wiped away the tears from under her eyes. When she'd lost her first person in an accident, after the rape, after Ivy. Kai had wiped away her tears threw everything, and she wished she could step out and wipe away his, but something inside of her, knew he was supposed to be crying right now. She held herself back, as if her body had been cast in stone, she was too heavy to move. That didn't stop her from wanting too.,

Thump....thump...thump her heart kept beating. She counted inside of her mind, waiting for it to stop, witing for it to be over with. Waiting for her heart to freeze over as she acted so cold towards Kai. She'd been cold to him before, but never like this. Never had she been forced to take every drop of emotion out of her voice, out of her when she talked to Kai. She hated this, hated this with everything inside of her. Every part of her that wasn't controlled by Kaz was screaming in out rage at this. It was so hard to get the emotion out of her voice. To hold back the thickness that came from when she wanted to cry, to hold back the physical shudder when she was close to him. Kai made her want to shiver and shake all over, he made her want to loose control of herself when she was with him, because she was so used to being emotional with him.

He was so close to her, and she sucked in a shivered breath. She was scared, scared of him, she closed her eyes when he was close to her. She'd touched his face, felt the warmth that she knew was hiding in his skin. When their lips touched together, she thougth she might die. Kaz slipped, she lost control, her body went and did whatever it wanted, what it wanted to do was shake. She tried to restrain herself but once she'd lost it was gone. The kiss ended, and she swallowed stepping back. "Kai she sighed his name. To kiss him in public had been just what she'd been wanting for very long time, now here she was kissing him, and everything seemed broken to her.

She was shaking, she closed her eyes. "I..." she couldn't even get her voice to settle. She touched his face again. "I love you" she said, not caring they were in a public place. "But this is over." how climatic, her heart decided to stop beating right then. "I can't..." she spoke the words but she didn't move awy from him.

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[Kai Richard Walker]

Kissing Kaz made everything feel normal again. It made him forget the night had run in to Ivy and got drunk with her. It made him forget that he came home and hit the woman he wanted to marry. It made him feel happy again, it made him feel safe like nothing could hurt them. All that went away when she broke away from him and the kiss ended. He opened his eyes to look at her and she was more beautiful then ever, even with the slight bruise around her eye that was covered with make up. The retched nervous lump returned to his throat when she said his name, he knew something was about to follow that he didn’t want to hear. He remained silent looking at her as if it was going to be the last time he was ever going to be able to. His heart started to beat faster again as it was telling him to prepare himself for the worst, which he did.

She then went to say something but cut herself short, still he remained silent he feared that he wouldn’t be able to talk even if he wanted to, right at this very moment was that painful he just wanted it to end, he just wanted to close his eyes and everything to be back to normal. Knowing full well that, that wasn’t about to happened, he gritted his teeth and counted the very fast heart beats in his head. She then opened her mouth and said the three little words that he was dying to hear her say to him from the moment he had struck her. Even though he was hearing then, he knew that something was about to follow. It was just the way she said it told him that there was a but coming. He wanted to just freeze time right there so that he wouldn’t have to hear what she had to say next. He had to stop with the wishful thinking, life just didn’t work like that.

Finally she said what he was expecting her to say and even though he had prepared himself for it, it still struck through his heart like a bullet shot from point blank range. He looked to the ground more then just a single tear flowed now. “No” he whispered to himself more then anything. He could feel his heart shattering into a million piece behind his rib cage. He felt as thought he was going to be sick but held it down. He had been a fool to think she was just going to forgive him for what he had done and go about life like nothing happened. He should have know better then to lead her heart with false hope. Slowly he looked up to her, his eyes wet and bloodshot. He swallowed the lump in his throat and backed down, he wasn’t going to argue with her not here in this place where everyone can see, it was bad enough the entire club has seen him cry.

“If that is what you want, then so be it” he said choking on the last of his words. To say those words made his throat burn like they were stabbing him with red hot pokers as they left his windpipe. He had already done enough damage to their relationship with what he had done, he wasn’t about to make a scene and ruin the professional partnership they had and the he still hoped for a friendship with her. But he doubted they would be much of a friendship once you took the professional partnership. This was the end of Kaz and Kai and he was dying inside.

Notes: Sorry for the delay. Got caught up in work.

[Kaz Victoria McCoy]

She was suffocating. The moment her lips broke away from his, that she broke away from Kai. There wasn't enough air in the world to fill her lungs and make her feel whole. Her lungs had sprung a leak, her heart wasn't poking the air to the hungry cells in her body and she knew she was going to die if this kept up. She was suffocating and she knew exactly why. It was her own hand at her neck, crushing her wind pipe, telling her she couldn't breath, because Kai was the air to her world, and she was cutting him out. He was what got her out of bed, what held her together, and he wasn't going to be there for her like that anymore.

She heard him mutter No, but this wasn't something that he got to say no about. This wasn't something that was his choice, it was her's and staring at him, she could feel the ripple effect. Her choice going threw and shaking the both of them. She could see it, knew it was going on inside of him the same thing that was happening with her. They fed off of each other emotions and each other. She fed off his strength when she had none, and she didn't know what he took from her, but she'd never cared about it before, but now they were both just feeding off each other's pain and feeding their own pain and reflecting on the other. Both of them were self destructing.

Her fist balled next to her, her hands hurt, shock waves of pain up her entire arms from the action. She knew she'd ripped at least one injury open, her bandages would be soaked with blood sooner or later, but standing next to Kai. It wouldn't be enough blood, it wouldn't be enough pain, not enough to cover all of this up. She closed her eyes, and shook her head for once in her life she wasn't Kaz in public, she was just someone who'd just had her heart broken, and all she wanted was to shake and cry, and feel anything but the black hole of where her heart had once been sucking her down, and making her feel sick to her stomach like any moment she'd be swallowed up by this pain and she'd never be free from it. "Don't be like that Kai," her voice pleaded him, she was pleading, not strong but begging him not to be bitter, not to be like this. "You did this to yourself, don't act like this is my fault..or god forbid that I like this." she was shaking now.

Her emotions shifted inside of her pint sized body, shifting down the spectrum. Because don't you know, anger is just saddness hiding. She was shaking. "I loved you, and god knows I didn't want this. But I can't trust you anymore." she turned her back to him. She could see some of her people looking at them, one look from her and they scattered, she wasn't wearing pain on her face, but anger, that she was doing this, anger at herself that she couldn't think of anything else to do but this. "I didn't want to this," she admitted she looked over her shoulder. "But what choice did you give me?"

[Kai Richard Walker]

Kai looked up as she spoke to him. Don’t be like what? Reasonable, taking what was thrown at him like a man, even though his heart was broken and he was crying like a girl? He didn’t know of any other way to take the one person he has ever loved, telling him that she didn’t want to be with him anymore. He knew of one other way he could take her words. He could take them with anger, he could get angry and yell and scream, punch walls and kick over tables and chairs, cause a scene in the middle of a club full of tigers. He wouldn’t do that he would refuse to do that. Letting his anger get the best of him, put him in this situation in the first place, it was the reason why she was leaving him. “I don’t know how else to be” he said more tears spilling over onto his cheeks. He figured being sad instead of angry was easier to deal with the consequences, he didn’t have to worry about being shunned for hurting someone he loved.

I loved you… those words made it feel like his throat had closed up, like all the air was sucked away from him. He couldn’t breath, it was perfectly clear with just those words that she didn’t love him anymore. How can someone be so stupid as to think the person you struck would still love you afterwards. He was stupid to think she still would. He just let that tiny little bit of hope that she still loved him encase him. She didn’t love him, she didn’t trust him and his life was pointless now, without her to love him and depend on him what was the point in even living anymore. He lived for her, he lived so he could love her and be there for her when she needed him. If she didn’t trust him to come to him when she needed someone to talk to someone to trust with her secrets, his being was a waste of space.

Really he didn’t give her a choice, when he struck her the choice was already made up. He lifted his hand to his face and used the back of his hand to wipe the tears from his face. “What I did to you was unforgivable I understand that” he said looking at the ground. He didn’t think he would be able to look at her again without crying. He had ruined his own life that night and there was no fixing it now, he was going to be ruin for the rest of his life, haunted by his actions and her decision. “I love you, Kaz. I will always love you forever, even if you don’t love me back” he said looking up at her, instantly his eyes filled with tears again, he was right he couldn’t look at her without crying. “My heart will always be yours, and the pain you feel with always be mine to bare” he said just letting the tears fall not caring who saw him not caring what people would think of him or the rumours about what happened tonight that were bound to fly around the gang. He cared for nothing anymore, his life was less important then Kaz’s and he would still die for her.

[Kaz Victoria McCoy]

Kaz was fearless, she was strong, and brave, she was put together. Everyone saw her threw those eyes, no one would follow her if they knew the truth. She was reckless, head strong, thoughtless, and worst of all human. She was just human, she made mistakes, frequently, she hide herself all the time, while everyone thought she was always there so in their face. Kai knew better. He knew how hard she worked at keeping herself together, she worked at it every day every second, all the time, she never let it slip, until now. Her eyes on Kai, his words, the sound of his voice unwound her. Like she was holding everything inside of her with string, he undid her knots, and it took everything in her not to scream at him, for being so close to her heart, for hurting her, for making her feel like this. She shook her head. "Stop acting like this is easy for me." she said swallowing. Her eyes wanted to release water falls, but if she started she'd never stop. She'd drown in her own tears if she started again.

She kept herself with a tight upper lip when he spoke. If she opened her mouth, she knew she would sob. She knew the sound that would escape out of her mouth, the sound of someone being torn in half, as he broke her heart, worse as she broke her own heart over and over. Every second made the pain only more raw, only opened new wounds and dug into them deeper like thier words were blades. She left like they were speaking double edged swords and impaling themselves on them. Why did they both have to hurt so much? She couldn't say anything.

Giving up was never something Kaz did gracefully. Ever. She didn't know how to back down without part of her dying inside. When she looked at Kai, when she saw him crying, the battle was over, she was done. She lost. She'd never had a chance to win this war. Kaz couldn't hold it up, the act that she was such a bitch, she couldn't hold it anymore, she couldn't do it she lost and the girl inside of her. The heart inside of her beating chest won, and the tears ran down her cheeks. Fat wet tears that left streaks down her face as they ran, more and more of them, she didn't try to stop them. Stepping towards him, she bowed her head, she only came up to his shoulder tonight, she felt so small next to him. Next to this pain she felt infinatly small. "Goodbye Kai," she touched his arm, the touch of him nearly sent her shaking. She couldn't do this anymore, she couldn't stand here and hurt them both more, she had to leave.

It seemed like something no one had ever seen, when Kaz pulled open the door she'd had shut. People looked at her, her people stared at her, and looked back at Kai. No one knew what had happened, but no one stopped her and asked what had happened. She just walked threw without thinking, she was like a leave caught in the breeze. Moving threw noticed but nothing was done, could be done to stop her until she was on the street. She didn't hear anything, she didn't feel anything other then the desire to close her eyes, and sleep this pain away, even if it took forever.

[Kai Richard Walker]

Out of the two seconds Kaz had next to her, he was seen as the strong one, the one you didn’t want to fuck with. That was his job as second, to be the scary intimidating one, Andrew on the other hand to Kai seemed like a push over, but it was him now that was the push over, blubbering like a bitch. Kai knew that doing what she was doing wasn’t easy for her, he could see it in her eyes. He could see her dying inside just like he was, being calm about everything was happening was the easiest way for him. He was selfish and he didn’t even deserve an explanation. “I know its not easy for you” he said softly. His heart ached and so did his head, he just wanted to curl up somewhere dark and close his eyes and never wake up. This pain was worse then death.

He looked up as she stepped closer to him and his eyebrows came together as he seen her crying. Crying in public, crying in front of her gang was something she just didn’t do. This was painful for her to say just as painful for him to hear. They were killing each other, causing each other pain. They were just as bad as each other, which was why they went together so well. His breath caught in his throat as he felt her soft hand touch his arm and her words entered his ears. He sobbed a little bit struggling to keep them contained. He looked up at her as she let go of his arm and walked away from him. He looked out in front of him his eyes staring but his vision blurry. He heard the music grow louder for a split second then it fell dull again, indicating that she had re entered the club.

Thoughts of just letting her walk away, walk right out of his life swirled around in his brain, his whole body tingled as his hands balled into fists. He couldn’t just stand there and let her walk out of his life. Turning around on his heel and jogged towards the door. He could see all the tigers pressed against the glass but when they saw him coming they backed away from the door and parted to let him go through. He threw open the door and dashed through the thin path they had created for him. They had no idea what was going on or why they were both crying. He had to catch up with her, jogging towards the door he could still see her out side. Darting past people he burst out of the door and down the steps.

“Kaz wait” he said reaching out and grabbing her hand. His eyes dry now, sadness gone and replaced with determination, he had to make things right. He might not be able to save their intimate relationship but he could sure as hell fight for their friendship, after all they were friends for years before they were lovers.

[Kaz Victoria McCoy]

The club was always loud, and filled with so much noise. Her people were always there a tiger behind the bar, on the floor, spinning records. Everywhere orange, red, yellow they were all splashed around without a care, everyone with their pride. Normally she felt more like a Lion with them, they were her pride, ripping open the doors and going threw the club seemed like a nightmare.

The club was poisonious, intoxicating, scuffocating. The touch of people to her, as they moved made her feel sick. She just wanted to be alone, and soon enough she was. Outisde the cold air wrapped around her like a blanket. So much colder then it had been when she'd been outside with Kai. She paused in her stride, and closed her eyes, head tilted towards the sky, her arms lifted from her sides and wrapped around her, as it took all of her strength not to double over in pain, to restrict her wind pipe from screaming out his name. She was shaking and she couldn't feel the tears anymore, she just wanted Kai, she wanted him so badly, to be in his arms and to forget everything he'd done, but she knew she couldn't.

She wanted to stomp her feet, and fall to her knees. She didn't realized she'd been holding her breath until she stopped and sucked in a sobbing gasp that sounded like the air was being forced out of her. Like she was breaking, she was broken on the inside. She stopped holding her sides, as she breathed, just wanting to kick up the dust and run. Kai grabbed her hand she didn't turn to look at him, he didn't need to see she was litterally falling apart. Her shoulders locked, as her mind took over and stopped her body from falling into his and making him hold her.

"Please Kai." her voice came out. Not an ounce of strength left anymore. She was begging him, they weren't in the club anymore and she let it all come out. "Please, god, just let me go. Please" she couldn't say how many times she said please, the only thing in her mind the rapidly growing hole in her chest the blood on her sides from when her knuckles had ripped open and she'd held herself, and her hand in his.

[Kai Richard Walker]

Kai’s heart was pounding in his ears he could feel the blood rushing through his veins, his body temperature was soaring. Now that he was here holding her hand he had lost everything he was going to say to her. Her pleading voice entered his ears he only just heard her over the pounding in his head. She was pleading with him to just let her go. She wanted him to let go of her hand and of her all together and Kai just couldn’t do that. “No Kaz I can’t do that” he said stepping closer to her his hand till in hers. He reached up and put his arm over her and placed it over her chest, his hand grabbing hold of her shoulder. He pulled her into him her back against his chest. He was sure she would have been able to feel his heart beating against her back, his rib cage was starting to hurt from his heart rapping against it so much. He felt as though his throat was on fire and the words he wanted to say just wouldn’t come out. But he had to say what he wanted to say.

“Please don’t be sad” he said swallowing the burn in his throat. He needed to be strong, let her know that he doesn’t blame her for anything. “I know that this hurts you, just as it hurts me” he said bring his head down next to hers so he could whisper in her ear. “Being without you will kill me, but if you can’t be with me, trust me with all your heart then I understand” he said, he wanted to cry but nothing came out this time. “If you can’t look at me as your boyfriend anymore, remember the time before it, remember the time we spent together as kids, before the alcohol before the gang, before the violence and the hate” he said closing his eyes, remembering them both as children. “Remember the old me and trust him because he is still in me, love the old me” he said finally letting go of her hand but he kept hi arm around her. He bent down his head and placed a kiss on her temple, held her for a second longer and finally dropped his arm.

[Kaz Victoria McCoy]

Like that crystal plate your mother has stored away for your wedding day, the only that if you breath to close to it will break. Kaz was made like that, she wasn't able to hold it all together anymore. She wasn't able to stop this hurt inside of her, she felt like she'd exploded and was everywhere, she was a mess she knew it, she could feel it all about her, but she couldn't stop and pick up the peices, if Kai could just let her go she could stop shoving the glass shards into her chest, into her heart she could stop plunging them. His arm came around her, and pulled her to his chest like he'd read her mind, she just wanted to close her eyes right then, to listen to the sound of his heart like a drum that rocked her to sleep. She wanted to hid inside of him, with him, she wanted too be with him. But something inside of her screamed no, and she listened, the listened to the fear and she was walking away from him.

He spoke, and she left grounded, her eyes closed she listened to him, leaning all of her weight into him as she did. She stopped breathing, her nails dug into him, her body physically clinging to him, while her mind took her away. She didn't move as he pulled away from her, as he took his warmth and safety now. She thought about when they were kids, she thought too much about when they were kids, when things were easy. "Things aren't like that now Kai," she said opening her eyes and looking at him. "Were not little anymore, your not a little boy anymore, I'm not Cassidy anymore, and Ivy's..." she trailed off, she'd called herself Cassidy in public for the first time since she'd taken the name Kaz. She didn't want too confuse people for them to know about Cassidy, she was just Kaz. "I'll always love the Kai that was mine," her heart flinched, has she already lost him to Ivy, to someone else, she didn't know, but right now he felt as much her's as he'd ever been, he felt like the body she craved, like the touch she hungered for, like the safety she came too. He was still Kai, just not her Kai she told herself, she didn't know what this was going to mean, but both of them were out of tears now. Her nails dug into her palms, and she didn't show a thing just put them by her sides. "I don't want to be without you, but right now." she thought about the night with Andrew when he'd kissed her, and this whole mess, she just needed to be on her own for a bit.