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Post by Andrew James Moore on Oct 17, 2010 17:16:27 GMT -5
“Then don’t date Kai. Because he’s your second also. And I can tell you like me too. Maybe not as much. But if you are going to break the rules, you can’t just do that for one person. So if you want to change..do it. I’ve liked you for so long Kaz. I just…there was Kai and I knew you would never see through to ever give me a chance.” He whispered and just felt like he was going to break. He wanted to stand up for himself this time, to tell her everything, but at the same time he knew that he had to keep her state in mind because she wasn’t doing too well. He had saw something in her tonight. Andrew just watched her for the longest moment, seeing something he had never see in her before. Pain. It was hard seeing the strongest people in your life fall for one of the very few times they seemed to fall. He watched her for the longest moments and knew there was something there, there had to be otherwise they would not be talking about this. There would be no and or buts about it. He would be told that she was her boss and that was it. He wanted to fight for her, to help her now.
His heart thudded against his chest and all he could feel was the ache in his chest, in his stomach, in his head. Tears formed in his eyes and he just did not look away from her, nor did he allow himself to cry. “I’m here for you, Kaz. And I’ve wanted to be someone important to you, more than just a second, more than just some trusted leader to you. I don’t want to be casted aside like that.” He whispered and he blinked suddenly realizing his past leaking itself out in his words and he just looked away from her.
“Am I wrong, Kaz?” He whispered, his voice weak, his eyes just staring at the empty park, feeling so alone. He felt naked in a sense and he just wanted to grasp hold of something, to know he still could. His breath rose in front of his face as a cloud. He felt himself partially dieing on the inside and wondered if there was anything left of himself, of the good moments he had in the gang.
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Post by Kaz Victoria McCoy on Oct 17, 2010 17:45:46 GMT -5
Time heals all wounds, all wounds, they said. Time couldn't erase scars though, they couldn't make you stop flinching every time you saw them. Time couldn't do anything, other then allow itself too be passed. This park was like that for Kaz. It was her point of orgin, litterally. Kaz had been born that night in this park so many years ago. When she'd been attacked, when she'd been scared and weak. Kaz had become like a phenoix out of those emotions. It was those emotions as Kaz she tried to lock away, pain, fear, hurt, sadness. She tried to wash it all away with anger, but somethings couldn't be erased, she couldn't just wash them all away. Her heart couldn't keep up with the game, she came here, to remember why she was strong why she was angry and doing what she did. Andrew washed those thoughts away, like they'd been sand on the beach and he was the waves.
When Andrew said Kai's name, there was a tightness in her chest. Like he'd wrapped his fist around her heart and was squeezing. Andrew was right, breaking the rules, the rules she made, for once person and not the other it wasn't fair. Her heart fell into her stomach. "Your right Andrew," she couldn't fight his logic, it was stupid to even try to when it made sense. She couldn't act like he was rambling like a crazy person. "But I dated Kai, and look where it got me." a brusied eye, a dented ego, and a broken heart. Not to mention the ripple effects it was going to cast threwout the tigers.
She tried to be, she always did, the leader the strong one. She tried to stand for what would be best for her group, not just one person. She tried to be strong, cold, fearless, harsh, brutal, things she thought made a good leader. Looking at Andrew, and she could feel all of that melting, like a pool beneath her feet. She couldn't say those things that she normally would to him, not to her second, not to her friend. "I can't give you what you need Andrew," she told him. Her shoulders came forward and her feet pushed her up until she was standing in front of him, shorter then him, nearly looking up, she would fit so easily with him she could predict. "I can't be who you want me to be," she said her voice not shaking but sounding close to it. "Your someone I'd give my life for," she admitted her eyes started to mist over, she wouldn't allow herself to cry, she dug her nails into her palms, the aching from her knuckles, and the pain distracted her from the pain in her heart for a second. "I could never cast you aside. But I can't be the person you need me to be." she couldn't be anything closer to him then she already was.
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Post by Andrew James Moore on Oct 17, 2010 18:06:12 GMT -5
Andrew just looked at the ground for a moment as she responded, his hand coming to pinch the bridge of his nose as he thought on her words but knew what he was going to say. “I’m not Kai.” He hissed the words out, “I won’t do that and you know it. Put him and me next to each other and we are not the same person.” He looked up at her wondering why he would stereotype Kai’s actions to his own. His fingers gripped the edge of the bench as he just felt a sense of anger. At what? He wasn’t quite sure of whether it was Kai or the fact she thought he could be like him. He knew himself well enough that he would never do that to her.
Then her next words made him want to laugh, but he held that back. “What I need? I don’t need. I want you. And I’m not asking you to be anything but you, Kaz. Let me ask you something. He stood up and looked down at her, rather close to her, but not too close. “Do you like me? Because I have a feeling you do, but you aren’t admitting that to yourself because you’re scared. You’re scared of Kai and breaking him. So answer that to me and be honest with yourself.” He challenged her in a gentle way that seemed more powerful in context than his tone.
“If you truly don’t have any feelings for me. Then we can forget this conversation and move on. I want to help you through this Kaz, either way.” He whispered as he weakly smiled at her, being the friend he always tried to be for her in the years prior. He wanted to hold her and kiss her and just be able to say that she is going to get through this.
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Post by Kaz Victoria McCoy on Oct 17, 2010 18:31:05 GMT -5
When she'd been attacked, she'd never felt so weak. She'd thought she was going to die, the pain, shame and guilt that came from it all. The pain of the men holding her down and entering her, the shame she could only cry and couldn't even move her arm, shame that she was so weak that she was a victum. In those moments she'd wanted the world to swallow her hole, to never let her go so she could die without anyone ever knowing what had happened. Her leader had saved her from the attack,and she'd sworn she would never feel those emtions again, never again in this park would she feel weak, broken, dirty, every rotten word ever thought of she'd thought it. She never wanted to think of herself like that again. Staring at Andrew, her promise was broken. She felt like scum on the inside, her ribs wanted to pull apart in different directions. They wanted to pull her in half.
"Andrew" sadness swelled inside of her voice. In her chest, she felt like she was drowning in it. She was drowning in feelings that she wasn't good enough for him, she wasn't anything, he wanted to be with her, but she couldn't she knew inside. It was so soon, too much. She shook her head this all started with that kiss. She closed her eyes, trying to collect herself from the mess she was, she tried in one moment to put herself back together. "Why are you doing this to me Andrew?" she asked him, a tinge of anger coming into her voice.
She shook her head, she wasn't over Kai, she needed to heal on her own. She wasn't even sure if her and Kai were split yet, and he was moving so quickly. She didn't have time to catch her breath. "I don't know what I feel for you, and even if I did, do you really think this, right now is the right time to be talking to me about your feelings?"' she asked him. Her eye hadn't healed all the way, she wasn't exactly the portrait of mental health and he was pushing himself on her. She just wanted a friend right now, she didn't want her seconds, either of them, she just wanted to be okay and to hide while everything calmed down, and he was kicking up a dust storm. "I can't be with you Andrew. Even if it turns out I do like you. I can't" she said. "You said it wasn't fair to date just one second, but I'm not going to make that mistake again....and I wouldn't do that to Kai," she wouldn't crush him in front of his face. She wouldn't shove him back into Ivy's arms.
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Post by Andrew James Moore on Oct 17, 2010 21:25:25 GMT -5
Andrew watched her and just allowed her words to sink in. He knew that she was right, but at the same time she was willing to hurt him like this. He wanted to push that little fact in her faith, but he knew he couldn’t. It wouldn’t be a good thing to do and he slowly sat down and just looked up towards her. “You’re right.” He said softly and just went quiet wishing there was some way she would understand all he was saying, but in her state she could not. He looked away from her and just sat there unsure of what to even say. He wanted to defend himself but it was obvious that it wasn’t an option right now. If Kaz were to make up her mind about him it would be her final decision.
He really just did not want to be stuck in the middle of all of this again. Just watching them together and hearing about them. He hated just sitting there being the one wishing that he could be there and he felt that he was always at a loss compared to Kai. He felt himself falling fast now, just remembering some of those moments. He wished that he could have been there. He’d felt as though he wasn’t important, wasn’t good enough for her. And it reminded him of his father. He felt tears spill over the edge of his eyelids, sliding down his cheeks, but it didn’t register to him. He just had memories flashing through his head and he wanted to run from everything. The family he once had and the family he has in the gang. It no longer gave him comfort and he felt as though a part of him died that was finally crushed.
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